251 - "Permission to Feel Pleasure": Sexuality, Disability & Desire
Vanessa Cushing, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, talks about sexuality, disability, and dating.
Healthy Sexuality Basics
Vanessa defines healthy sexuality as centered on connection over performance, requiring safety (freedom from coercion, STIs, unwanted pregnancy) and enthusiastic consent — knowing what you want, how to ask for it, and that it's safe to say no.
Disability & Sexual Erasure
People with disabilities are often desexualized because others see the disability rather than the whole person. Vanessa stresses that disabled people are inherently sexual beings (unless they identify as asexual) with the same desires and needs as anyone else, and deserve to have their sexuality acknowledged and even eroticized if they choose.
Asexuality
Asexuality means ambivalence toward or absence of sexual desire, distinct from disability — one doesn't cause the other. Asexual people can still have romantic/sexual relationships. Vanessa emphasizes accepting oneself without shame if desire is absent.
Building Sexual Self-Acceptance
Vanessa encourages self-affirming beliefs like "I am a sexual being," "I deserve pleasure," and giving oneself permission to feel pleasure — regardless of disability or how long one has suppressed these feelings.
Here are the affirmations Vanessa shares in the episode:
- "I am a sexual being."
- "I enjoy pleasure."
- "I want pleasure."
- "Pleasure is mine."
- "I can have pleasure when I want to have pleasure from myself."
- "I am deserving of pleasure."
- "I am a sexual person regardless of my disability."
- "I deserve pleasure, and I'm going to give myself the pleasure that I deserve."
Sex Therapy Explained
Sex therapy addresses issues like erectile dysfunction, premature/delayed ejaculation, low desire, desire discrepancy between partners, pain during sex, anorgasmia, and kink/fetish-related shame. Any sexual distress qualifies. Timelines vary — simple issues may resolve in a few sessions, entrenched patterns (like long-term desire discrepancy) can take up to a year.
Trauma's Impact on Sexuality
Sexual trauma, common among people with disabilities, often causes disconnection from self and others, dissociation, hypersexuality, or avoidance. Therapy helps process trauma and rebuild healthy sexual connection.
Navigating Unsupportive Environments/Caregivers
Like quitting smoking around friends who smoke, changing negative environments matters. When someone depends on a non-affirming caregiver, Vanessa suggests exploring priorities and whether other care options exist. She teaches "sexual assertiveness" through practice exercises like "May I/Will You" dialogues to build comfort asking for support (e.g., help accessing sex toys, adaptive lingerie).
Toys & Pleasure Exploration
Toy selection is individualized based on what feels good (clitoral, vaginal, anal stimulation, etc.). Pleasure exploration isn't limited to sex — dancing, holding hands, and other sensory experiences count too.
Resources
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Music by Successful Motivation
Artwork photo by Elevate
